So much of my life is simplified, but I still find myself bound to the notion that I should be productive. At the moment, I’m sitting in an Italian restaurant waiting for my dinner to be served. I’m alone, my son asleep back at the hotel, no doubt worn out from visiting colleges on this fall break trip.
I keep looking at my phone for no reason. I’m uncomfortable – as if I’ve forgotten how to be alone in a public setting. I enjoy time by myself but am unable to just sit here and experience the sound of music and conversation, the smell of tomatoes simmering in garlic, and the view of modern artwork on the walls.
I think I’ve come a long way with mindfulness, and then the truth hits me. I’m holding on to the notion that I should always be doing something productive. At my core, I still believe it’s lazy to “waste” time. I could be making lists or planning or writing. (Well, I’m actually writing at the moment, but it’s more about processing than productivity.)
This isn’t a post with a problem and solution. It’s an acknowledgement that this is an area I’m considering. It will take time for me to work through this. My starting point will be sinking deeper into the quiet moments. And reading poetry. And listening to music with my son. Because I am more than what I accomplish, and my days aren’t measured by how many items I check off my list. That’s what I keep reminding myself. I’ll post again when I feel like I’ve got more insight into this aspect of mindfulness. Stay tuned.